It was a night just like any other. Kurt was working 11-7. Which means supper was late. It was roast beef - slightly dry and overcooked. I haven't been able to cook a roast of beef since....
After supper, Gavin played on the floor with the dog in his diaper. I have videos of that evening - our diapered little man laughing and rolling on the floor with his puppy. And the second video - daddy's voice in the background trying to convince his son to say "Da-Da" and "Ma-Ma". I've watched those videos hundreds of times since, just to hear his voice. We were so happy. So normal.
So blissfully unaware of what was to come. Ignorance really isn't a bad place to live some times....
Kurt got Gavin dressed for bed that night. A Mickey Mouse onesie and grey shorts. He asked me if I cared that it wasn't "real" jammies. I told him that he slept in t-shirts and sweat pants, so why shouldn't his son.
Kurt fed Gavin his evening bottle. Then sat in his chair, cuddling his boy. I picked up the camera and started to snap.
I then told Kurt to quit looking at the camera, and just to watch his son. And I captured this. The picture that, to me encapsulates everything I loved about that man. The gentle giant who was so very, very proud of the family he helped to create. My son's daddy. My husband.... That pose wasn't put on for the camera. That's the way he looked at Gavin, and me. Every. Single. Day. That is the man I want to remember...
Almost immediately after taking that picture, Kurt got up, carried Gavin upstairs, and put his son to bed. That was the last time he would ever hold his son. I don't remember what followed. Why would I? It was just another day....
The date stamp on that picture reads 9:40 p.m.
What I do remember is laying in bed that night, my head on Kurt's chest, listening to his heart. It was beating faster than usual. To this day I don't know if that was coincidence, or a sign of what was to come. I wish I had taken it more seriously. Maybe I could have prevented what was next...
I remember commenting to Kurt about how fast his heart rate was. He told me it was because I was there.... I fell asleep that night, my head on his chest. I was so completely, totally, and utterly happy. I had a wonderful son. I was in bed with the man I loved. I had the world by its string. Nothing could go wrong....
How wrong I was....
Chrys, Your words aren't being lost out here. Please, continue. For you and for me, and For Him too. Love is dripping off of these words. He knows it.
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