Six Minutes Revealed: Where Do We Go From Here

There's so much more I remember... about those days.  About the days that followed.  But even more that I don't.

Visits to the funeral home.  Phone calls from family and friends.  Coroner conversations.  Autopsy results.  I know they all happened.  With family holding my hand, somehow I got through.  But my memory ends the evening of August 11th.  I don't even remember returning to the house  from my uncles that evening.  Coming home without him.

After Kurt's funeral, the presiding minister handed me a brown envelope, with a copy of the service inside.  I didn't appreciate it at the time.  But in the days that have come since, every tim I re-read those words, I do.  I have very little recollection of that day.  Or the next, when we placed him in his final resting place.

I seem to really remember very little.  But what I do stays with my crystal clear.....

Minutes without him have grown into hours.  Hours to days.  Days to weeks.  Weeks to months.  Now the months have progressed into years.

Gavin and I are both older.  Gavin is much bigger.  And together, we are still trying to put back the pieces of our lives.

It took 6 minutes for our world to unravel.  I'm beginning to accept it will take a lifetime to undo the pain...

After writing the last of our story, before posting it for all to see, I went into Gavin's room where he was napping and crawled in beside him in bed.  When I awoke, he had already climbed out, and was playing at the open door on the floor with the dog.  Just like the night before it all began....

I'm not as happy as I was that day.  I don't think I can ever be again.  For that was a happiness derived in part from ignorance.  My eyes have been forever opened.  I know how fast something can be taken.  How fast a life can end.  I have felt the depth of emotions the no one should have to endure.

But I am still standing.  There's still a lot of work to do.  The psychological wounds remain.  The flashbacks still exist.  The anxiety never goes away.  I still can't sleep.  And there are days I still wish I, too, would die.

I can admit that I am very, very sad.

But I am happy too.  And finding a way for those two polar opposites to coexist at the same time.  I'm happy Kurt and I were able to have children.  I feel very blessed to be Gavin's mommy.  To have a reason to go on even when I am hurting.  And I am happy for the love Kurt and I shared.  I would not hurt, not have felt the deepest of lows, had I not also felt the highest of highs.

I love what we had.

I love what we created.

And I get up every morning hoping to one day, again, love the life I have been given.  After all, it could be gone tomorrow.....

Tomorrow's a mystery.  Yesterday is history.  Today is a gift.  That's why we call it the present.

I love you, Kurtis.  I am Always Yours....