"Sign, sign, everywhere a sign
Blockin' out the scenery, breaking my mind.
Do this, don't do that. Can't you read the sign?" - Five Man Electrical Band
I didn't really believe in signs. Signs from beyond, as opposed to the ones you see on the side of the road. Until Kurt died.
And I started looking for them.
From the day it all happened, I asked for them every night. In my nightly conversations with Kurt before my head hit the pillow, I would ask him to send me a sign. Let me know that he could hear me. That he wasn't as far away as it seemed.
And it appears that he would answer...
It started out on the radio. Certain songs at certain times. I'd be driving down the street, thinking about a certain memory, and the music associated with it would start to play. Or I'd be feeling down and thinking about him, and something associated with us would follow on the radio-station's playlist. Anyone who knew Kurt would not be surprised if he chose to speak through music.
Perhaps it was chance. Serendipitous coincidence. But I like to think it was more.
I need to think it was more.
Then there were the other things. The light I was sure I turned off at night, all ablaze in the morning. The computer monitor which sprung to life. Widow brain? Perhaps. But maybe not...
Gavin's toys have a habit of going off at strange times. When no one is near. Vibrations? Maybe. But maybe its something else.
And then there are the dreams. I have two type of "Kurt-dreams", excluding nightmares. One I'm sure is memories. A standard dream. But every so often, there are the other ones. The ones where we talk. We spend time together. We (and I'm embarrassed to say this) make love. And I wake up remembering every moment. And those memories clearly remain for days, weeks, and beyond. Not like a dream, but like something else. I really can't explain. Subconscious desires? Relived events? It could be. But it could be something else.
As I said, I wasn't a believer. Now, I'm not so sure. I want to believe. I need to believe. I need to feel that veil between him and I isn't as impermeable as it so often seems. And so, I can admit, I'm starting to believe. To see the signs.
And if I'm wrong - who cares. It makes me feel better. Its one of the few things that always does. And its not like its hurting anyone else.
Lately, those signs have been getting fewer and far between. I still ask Kurt nightly to visit me as I sleep. To do something - anything - to let me know that he's near. Something that I can't attribute to coincidence. Something that even my dense mind knows is him. I don't get many of those signs any more. Its been a long time since he invaded my sleep or spoke to me over the radio. I will admit that, as the gaps grow longer, it becomes harder for me to believe. To accept that he really may be there. I begin to question my own views on the after life. Maybe there really is nothing left of us when we die. Maybe we don't live on. Maybe I'm talking to the air.....
This evening, while I was tucking Gavin in to bed and reading him his story, his fire truck started to sound from across the room. You need to switch it on and press a button to get that noise. I checked. It was off.
It's ironic that it happened tonite. Because I actually started to compose this blog yesterday, but stopped when I just couldn't find the words. Because the signs just haven't been there. Until today. And right now, these words cam easier....
Every once and a while, when the time is right - when i seem to need it most - he does something to remind me that he is still there, still watching out for us.... He hasn't left us yet.
And if he's there, beyond the veil, in the world I cannot see, there's hope that we will be together again in the future....
Goodnight, Kurt. Keep us safe. And if you have a moment, please visit us while we sleep....
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