Not so sweet 16

Sixteen months ago today I was thrown onto a path I never imagined I'd walk.  I became the "it could always be worse" example.  Life as I know it turned upside down.  Sixteen months ago today Kurt died.

When I first had Gavin, everyone warned me how fast time would go when you had children.  What no one mentioned is how much faster they would go when your spouse dies.  It still seems like yesterday that he was beside me, walking into that bathroom for the last time.  And yet it seems like its been a lifetime since I felt him, heard him.  Since he was here.

A lot has changed in the past sixteen months.  I no longer sob uncontrollably every night - now its just a few silent tears as my head hits the pillow.  I no longer sleep in his shorts and t-shirts - now its just his shirts.  I no longer have a picture of him in his place in the bed - now I just kiss the photo of him on the wall.  I no longer look at every city bus as it passes - now its every second or third.  I no longer expect him to come walking through the door - now I just wish beyond all wishes that he would.  And I no longer ask him nightly to come and get me - now I just ask him to visit.  But if he asked, I would still follow.  Some things haven't changed, however.  I still think of him every second of every minute of every hour. I still miss him beyond words.  I still cry more than I smile.  And when I do smile, I'm still crying inside.  I still wear my wedding rings proudly.  I still do not consider myself his widow - I am still his wife.  And I still love him with all my heart.

I don't know where I am in this journey.  When I was thrown on this road, no one thought to give me a road map.  I'm still in a dark tunnel, with no end in site.  Hanging by a rope most days over what seems to be a bottomless pit.  In the valley of the tallest mountain.  In other words, I suspect I'm still closer to the beginning than I am the end.  But I know I'm not on the starting line.  I suppose I should look back with pride on what I have done.  But in reality, I spend more time looking ahead with trepidation and fear.  Life... this life... our life is not a journey I ever wanted to walk alone...

I miss you Kurtis.  I love you.  And as always, I am still, and always will be Always Yours.