Daddy's Arms

My son is like Linus.  You know, that little guy in Charlie Brown always dragging a blanket behind.  For Gavin its his "Di-Di" - a Winnie the Pooh quilt from his crib set.  It goes everywhere with him.  And keeps him safe at night.  But recently, I've noticed a new night time Di-Di in town.....

I haven't done a lot with Kurt's possessions.  Yes, they have moved from front and centre into more discreet locations in the house.  His toothbrush and shaving cream are relegated to the bathroom drawer, rather than taking up valuable counter space.  His shoes tucked neatly in the closet rather than by the front door.  His t-shirts and sweaters sitting folded in a suitcase while my clothes overtake his dresser.  One place I did deal with, however, was the closet.  Aside from a few select pieces - his football jersey, two work shirts, and the t-shirt he took off his back moments before he died... the one which up until very recently still held his smell - aside from those items, his closet is bare.  That is the one thing I let people help me tackle in the days following his death.  I remember telling my mom I didn't think it would be that hard... and then sobbing through the process.  Maybe that's why I stopped there.  Two or three black garbage bags of Kurt left the house that day.... 

 Mom turned those garbage bags into quilts.  Every square a memory for me - a piece of my husband I don't have to feel guilty to hold on to.  Mom designed it with us in mind... Xs and Os.  Hugs and kisses.  Love.  I've slept under my quilt almost every night since.  No one knows it - its always been my little secret.  When I crawl under the covers to sleep, that is the blanket which touches my skin.  Its the night time hug I seek.  It's the warmth I crave.  As I lay in bed, fingering the fabrics, they take me back to where we were... moments that we right.  The day he proposed - that's the blue one with the wide black stripes.  The day our son was baptized - the lighter blue and grey one - I remember buying that not long before.  Our engagement photos - with the white dots... him standing in front of the closet asking my what he should wear.  The first shirt I bought him is there, as is the one I remember him wearing our first family Christmas.  The day he met my family.  The day i met his.  And then there are the less special days... the work shirts in varying shades of wear.  Logos from the job he loved so much.  Memories of him coming home and stripping the shirt - picking it up off the chair.  Waving at him as he drove by our front window.  Watching the car pull out.  Waiting for the car to come home.  The smell of a hard day at work.  Ordinary days in our ordinary life.  Days I would trade my soul to relive...  That's what my Di-Di is made of.  I understand why Linus won't put his down...

Gavin has a blanket like that too.  He doesn't remember the memories, but they are all there just the same. But recently, when I need to settle him at night, when I need him to calm down and go to sleep, the best way to do it is to pull his "daddy blankie" up tight.  It instantly calms him.  Every. Single. Time.  Just like an embrace from the biggest teddy bear I've ever known.  His daddy covering him, protecting him, keeping away any harm.  A shield of sorts, that only daddy can provide.

My son wiggles a lot at night.  He kicks most his covers off.  But in the morning, if I catch him before he wakes, this is what I see.  Snuggled tight in his daddy's arms.....