My last couple of blogs have sparked some controversy. I'm not going to deny I suspected it would. Raw emotions and honesty tend to do that. Especially when they are clustered close together. But I'm getting this out there for me, not those who read it. And I'm not going to apologize for it - its how I feel. Sometimes feelings just aren't pretty....
I'm not going to deny it. Its been a rough few days. The weekend was tough. I wish I could lift a mirror to my life sometimes - maybe then people could see more clearly. The oncoming emotions are often referred to as waves. And we are riding them. All of us. Whether we're dealing with elevated emotions due to loss, illness, stress, family, or so forth, or whether we are dealing with the feelings that come on a "normal" day. Some days these emotions hit fast and furious - ranging in extremes in moments. Other times they seem to linger - unable to escape the less appealing, or unwilling to let go of the more pleasant.... If there's on thing you can't avoid, its the constant stream of ever changing, often unpredictable emotions.
I don't surf. I'd love to try, but in the landlocked Prairies there just aren't that many waves. But I've watched surfers enough to know that even the best of them don't catch every wave. Some waves they ride out standing tall, far above the water. Others they catch but never really have an opportunity to ride - keeping their heads and bodies upright but little more. And every so often a wave catches them completely unaware, and they just go under - resurfacing later to try the next one. Once in a while... on a rare occasion... I successfully ride a wave out, but most days I'm like that middle surfer. No finesse. No long, graceful ride. Just trying to keep my head above water. Maybe stand up a little. And then there's the other times. Bam, that water hits. And I find myself underwater, gasping for breath, trying only to claw my way to the surface. The good thing about those is that I've come to realize the waves don't stay over top of you forever....
For most of the weekend, that has been me - drowning. But in true ocean fashion, just as quickly as a wave hits, a wave can pass. With another one right on its tail. Another chance to try it again.
I wasn't even sure I had surfaced from my last one when the next opportunity hit. And it came in the form of a small voice on the phone. Gavin, downstairs, talking to his grandparents. Mommy upstairs making supper, with the speaker phone turned on so I could listen to it... and at least have an idea what he was up to. Its the first time in a long, long time that I have just been able to listen to my son. Not be the one spoken to - or ordered about. Just listen, and hear. The wave that hit wasn't sadness or grief. It wasn't anger. It wasn't frustration. Just pure pride. That's my big little man down there. He has a daddy. He'll always have a daddy. But he is who he is because of me... and him. In one way, I suppose I am luckier than some. I have his full attention. His full heart.
That's not to say everything is great, that life is right. I'm still sad. I'm still angry. I'm still frustrated. I still feel alone. But for that moment - this moment - I also feel somewhat okay. I'm going to bed feeling okay. And that alone is something to celebrate.
There's going to be a couple of tough days looming on the horizon. I'm already anticipating Wednesday and Thursday will bring some anxious moments, and yes, some tears. I'll probably be back to treading water at minimum. Maybe underwater. But that just means I'm going to enjoy this view from on top the wave for as long as I can - at least until "real life" starts up again. After all, isn't the view from the top, the freedom of riding the big one, and the possibility that it will happen again the reason surfers keep coming back to the water? Isn't it what keeps us all coming back for more?
Beautifully said Chrystal. You are pure class. Everybody rides the waves. Unfortunately, everyone has their turn at being pulled into the under tow. It comes at some point. Some refer to it as bad luck, some refer to it as karma, some refer to it as life. No matter what it looks like to us, especially now at our most vulnerable, everybody has their share of problems. Some much worse than others. That is us right now. I thank God I have wonderful, strong, beautiful women to walk by my side, I am horrified it has to be under these circumstances. Nobody has the right to judge anybody. That job falls on God. You are doing great keeping your head above the tsunami. I'm so proud of you. <3
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