Kurt died from a heart defect. I remember one thing from the conversation with the coroner post autopsy. It could be genetic. And my thoughts when I heard that were the same as they are today... What does that mean for Gavin?
Kurt died suddenly, no warning. Kurt's father died suddenly, no warning. Kurt's grandfather died suddenly - no warning. And those are the ones we know about. I'm no doctor, but this sounds genetic to me....
Tomorrow Gavin embarks on his own genetic journey - his first trip to monitor his heart, to determine what the future may hold for him. And while I know one ECG will not determine the future, particularly on someone as young as Gavin who has a lot of growing and changing to do, in a lot of ways his journey will determine what the future holds for his mom as well.
I know its the start of wondering - exams that pop up annually begging the same questions. Most importantly, is he okay? Or is he going to die too? Exams that pop up annually causing the same stress level and, inevitably, memories of the day I saw all to closely just what this condition can do. Just another way to tie me to the day I am so desperately trying to avoid....
I'm stressed. I'm worried. I remember as an infant, Kurt and I taking our less than 2-week old son to the same hospital for blood work after tests taken at birth detected a potential problem elsewhere. Kurt and I talking about how we would handle it if our perfect little man wasn't perfect on the inside. I don't remember what that positive test was for now - it turned out to be nothing in the end - but I do know how I felt. How I'm sure Kurt felt. Because I'm feeling that unease, that insecurity, that knot all over again...
I look at the little man now, asleep in his bed, and try to convince myself he is fine. He seems healthy. He seems happy. There's no indication that something is wrong. But such was the case with his daddy too. In a lot of ways, Gavin's little heart is beating for two lives... because I don't think my broken heart can take the loss of my leading man again so soon. I need my reason to live to remain... well.. alive. For a long, long time. Longer than me. Much longer, I hope.
Gavin's a wonderful little boy. The spontaneous "I Love You Mommy" melts my heart. He has a huge capacity to love in that big heart of is. All I can do is hope and pray that his heart is not too big. The genes have been divided. There's nothing I can do. Except cross my fingers, but on the brave mommy face, and tell myself that everything will work out in the end. I hope after tomorrow I don't have reason to doubt it....
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