My Personal Black Hole

Photo can be found here....

They say that anger is a natural stage of the grieving process.  That you should embrace it, rather than fight it.  So here's my admission to all of you... I'm finally angry.  At many of you.  I know its not logical.  And now that I've admitted it, I don't feel any better.

I'm mad at Kurt's family, for passing down the genes that have caused so many problems.

I'm mad at the medical world for not picking up on this sooner.  Really - why must three successive generations die before you figure out something is wrong?  Especially when a simple test would have discovered it.  And why must you figure it out AFTER we've had children - putting them at risk as well.

I'm mad at those around me, for leaving me when I need them.  For not being there for whatever reason.  For not picking up on the fact that I still need so much more than I'm asking for.

I'm mad at God... if there is a God...  For creating a world where 35 year old new fathers can drop dead on a dime.  And for making my family the example that it can happen.

I'm mad at everyone out there who goes about their happy little lives, having the family we so wanted, loving the love I've been denied.  I'm mad at everyone who is given the opportunity to grow old, and then laments at the problems it creates.  Who has a spouse, but complains that they watch too much TV.  Who has more than one child but comments on how much work that can be.

As much as it pains me to say, I'm maddest at those I love the most....  Kurt, for not taking better care of himself.  He couldn't have prevented it, but maybe he could have bought us some time.  For leaving me.  Us.  For dying.  I'm mad.  But I still love him.

Gavin, for complicating my life so much right now.  For making this so much harder than it really is.  For needing so much from me.  For living.  I'm mad.  But I still love him.

And finally the biggie.  I'm mad at myself.  For not getting there in time.  Not trusting my gut and responding sooner.  Not being able to save him.  Not being able to cope since.  I'm mad at the fact that I still cry.  That I still hurt.  I'm mad at me for not being able to do more - then, and since.  I'm mad at me for who I've become.  What I've done.  What I haven't done.  What I think.  Just about everything since that morning, actually...

I'm mad at me for being mad.  For being human, I suppose.  I don't know what I expected.  Just soething else...

They say anger either powers you forward, or consumes you.  With no effective outlet - no one to hear me - I've turned my anger inward on myself.  Anger fuelling anger.  Like a black hole, slowly drawing energy from its surroundings - its eventual implosion on itself.

I know its not positive.  Not the anger management techniques I would teach in an emotions management class.  But when nothing else has worked, what else can you do.....

Too much anger only causes hatred.  At least this way, no one but me gets hurt.  Despite all my anger, the only person I end up actually hating is myself....