Whether people admit it or not, we all want to make some sort of imprint on the world. Or most of us do any way. I know I do. Not our little corner of it... but the larger world in general. If nothing else, we want to make a big enough imprint that we are noticed, not ignored. And remembered, not forgotten.
Recently, I posted a saying on Facebook....
One person replied. Just one. And I've never even met her. Which to me, means one of two things... Either no one reads my Facebook anymore, or no one would notice if I was gone. I believe its the latter...
Lets look at a scenario - a street falls off the face of the Earth tomorrow. It happens to be the one I live on. How long would it take you to realize? Even if the street's name was posted, would you put two and two together and really notice I was gone? How many of you would be affected? And I don't mean oh, that's too bad... shed a few tears affected. I mean really affected. Like things won't continue as normal - or at least that it would take time until they did. I'm guessing no one. Gavin for sure - if he's lucky enough not to be in the house at the same time - but other than that, not many. My parents maybe... Kurt would have known right away. But today, my life only really matters to a two-year old...
I've become invisible. Or so it feels, anyway. Walking through the malls at Christmas time was an interesting experience. It really felt like no one else could see me... that I could pass through them, or they through me. Like there was a shield dividing my world from theirs. Like I was watching a movie play out around me... It was as though I didn't really exist. That feeling continues to this day. There's Gavin and me... and then there's everyone and everything else. Out there somewhere. Just beyond my reach.
Gavin's in bed. Asleep. If I were to drop dead right now, no one would notice for hours. Kurt lay dead for 45 minutes before I knew... this would be much longer. Hours for sure. Maybe even days. No one would hear my two year old's cries. No one would even notice that I was gone. Or care. Life would just go on...
I notice the same with Kurt's life and legacy. How no one speaks his name. Or wants to when I do. How no one but me and Gavin seems to give him a passing glance... Its a humbling, but rather depressing moment when you realize that the mark you have worked so hard to leave not only on the greater world but on your little corner of it is written in washable ink... erased maybe before your time. Maybe before you are gone....
Or maybe no one read it in the first place....
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